Journal Entry from the beginning:
I’ve been experiencing this deep, dark pit at the place just beneath my belly. It is hard and cold and digs deep into me.
I couldn’t pinpoint why so much anxiety radiate from that place until I prayed and spoke to Rod about it.
It seems to stem from a fear that I am not good enough physically for Rod. That he’s not attracted to me and never will be unless I’m extremely in shape.
I have good reason to feel this way but I don’t want to. And seeing how God helped me see it means he wants to help me heal that part of me.
As we spoke I was able to realize that it was an irrational fear, because he was attracted to me, but it stemmed from some real behaviors and conversations that we had had.
Namely, Rod expressing that he felt guilty for watching the females in the videos so he would focus on the guys. This is common. So the lie I was believing was that he wasn’t attracted to girls. Then his obsession with being fit. Well, I’ve had 6 babies and have spent most of our marriage inflating and deflating but not fit but any means. And finally, there was a period of time when I was particularly thin and he used to make comments on that often, like he really liked that.
Of course there are other conversations coming to mind, but those were the major ones. But I think the most detrimental part of this belief was that I felt Rod was only attracted to my body and not my soul. If anything I wished he was only attracted to my heart and not my body. The body might be a means to connecting, but without the heart there is no connection.
Well, right then and there I handed that off to the Lord and he took it. It was so liberating and I never felt closer to Rod than I did at that moment.