I am a daughter of God. I want to be cherished and loved. I want to feel like I am precious to my spouse like I know I am to my Father in Heaven and to my Savior. The day that my husband told me of his struggle with pornography that part of me was crushed. But the story doesn’t end there. Actually the very first moment he told me there was an undeniable peace that filled me before I would fall into a bit of despair.
We had been married for just over 10 years at the time he told me. We were expecting our 6th baby who we had planned to have a little later in life but he decided right then would be good. And he was right.
It was by far my hardest pregnancy. I was in a deep and heavy depression. I couldn’t get out of bed.
My thoughts were often dark and I often felt like just disappearing.
Our marriage seemed happy, but there was always this lingering feeling that we weren’t one. For me being one with my spouse, children and God is paramount. I couldn’t understand why I had that feeling. I prayed about what I could do to help heal the divide that I felt. The thought came so clearly, “There is nothing you can do right now.” What did that mean?
I was sitting in bed one night, while my husband was reading his scriptures, when he put them down and said we needed to talk. I didn’t know what was coming.
Then he told me—for the past 6 years he had been struggling silently with pornography.
I had never thought how I might react to such news. I never imagined having that conversation.
As soon as he told me my heart started to swell with love for him. I listened to him share whatever he felt he needed to share and then I hugged him. My whole being was filled with peace and rejoicing. I finally knew what was wrong. And I knew that God knew how to heal from it. I was finally at peace with that part of the puzzle.
I can see now that Rod’s ongoing struggle for those 6 years was truly the cause of my despair and depression during that pregnancy. It was all mounting, building and needing to come to and end at that time in our lives. Pregnancy has always been a time of renewal and rebirth for me; a more sensitive time to things that can be healed, shifted towards healing, and towards Christ who is the source of life and all healing.
I would apparently need that divine moment of peace, where angels were surely standing near, to help me through the next day and the next and the next. I felt for the first time the reality of the long road ahead for healing—both for him and for me.
But did the healing come? Yes. In every way and through every promise the Lord has made to us through the scriptures, his truth, love and light.
Today my husband is the man I had always hoped to marry. He is open about his story and how he struggled, but he also stands tall in testifying of the divine hand of God in healing him from this struggle and addiction. There is peace in our home. Peace that is rooted in Christ. In his truth.
He taught us a pattern for healing through that process. One we didn’t get from any books or online resources. No group therapy. No programs. It was just me and him and the Lord.
What do you want most in life? What does your soul truly seek?
What is the truth? Do you believe it? Do you understand it?
Use the truth to recognize the lies. What are the lies?
Replace the lies with truths.
In those conversations we found healing. Like for reals. We still do.
We spoke about it every night for 365 days. I believe we uncovered a lie or false belief just about every single night. There were so many that were keeping him bound and keeping him blind. It wasn’t until the biggest of the lies were uncovered and released that he truly began to see me again as the daughter of God that he once knew I was.
That was a beautiful moment.
Christ truly is the prince of peace. I could never have gone through this trial without him. I know him better now that I had to wade through so much affliction, but there is peace now where there was a void and a despair. He is with me still. He has never left me. When I need him to, he holds me. When I am brave and strong he walks beside me. He is always teaching me new understandings and truths. His peace is everything to me.
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33
If you would like to hear more of our story or how the healing process looked for us, we are willing to share with groups. I have been thinking of sharing via Facebook as a live session in a private group if there is an interest in that. There are many ways and programs to heal from addiction, this is just what worked for us and we honor all paths to healing and ask for the same respect for our path.