Sometimes I feel so small. So small as a mother.
I feel small when I’m up in the middle of the night with a sick baby. I feel as though I’ve slipped back into my 12 year old body as I hug them and rock them back and forth. They feel as though they are half my height. I wonder who allowed me to be in charge of this little one. I can feel he trusts me, but I’m often so unsure of myself.
I feel small when I get into those moments when I feel I’ve lost a part of myself, at times I feel lost all together. I can’t see past the duties of the day, the messes I have to clean, the fighting that seems to go on forever, the meals that don’t get eaten, the bedtime that never comes. They call me mom and I wonder who I really am anymore.
I feel lost, ignored, forgotten, alone and oh so very small. I feel as though I might get squished under foot and no one would care.
It is at those times I feel like running away; maybe to find myself, to connect to someone, anyone who might see me, hear me, laugh with me, play with me, talk to me, help me.
But then I realize I can’t leave, nor do I want to.
I push through the smallness. I emerge from the dark cave within my soul into the vulnerable open. I am present. I pull the kids in closer instead of pushing them away. The closer I pull them to me, the bigger I start to feel. Their little hands, so small, are engulfed in my grasp. Their little eyes so tender, gaze into mine to see their reflection. Their little frames so small, they stand on their tiptoes to measure up to me. Sometimes I don’t feel that I have earned that honor.
When I forget my insecurities I am present and the smallness goes away. My head is clear. I can see the bigger picture and I embrace it, taking in every moment with stride. For each stride I take, the kids have to take a hundred more to keep up; they run to stay with me. They want to be with me and I want to be with them.
I forget how much of myself I found in them, how much I would never have become without them.
To connect to them, see them, hear them, laugh with them, play with them, talk to them, help them, that is my role. It is huge! I really must seem like a giant to them, although I know that won’t last for long. I am their mother and am honored to always be… even when they outgrow me and tower over me in all of the best ways.